Does anyone ever notice that when you become extremely bored, you start to put more thought into things than what you normally would? Well, yeah. I'm bored. So I'm thinking, "What the hell am I going to do in life after high school?"

The usual answer to that question tends to be a "I'll think about it later", but now I'm stuck on it for the aforementioned reason. It is rather pointless to think about it when you're a sophomore who would just about laugh at the mention of completed homework and your name in the same sentence, let alone a career or life-style of some kind. My dad had asked me about what I wanted to be, and way before I realized that I am too horribly lazy to even remotely attempt this career I would have determined that I wanted to be a lawyer. You know what happened to that idea? A freaking transcript and a night of boredom like this. This night of boredom will be dedicated to the fixing of that problem I suppose. Maybe I will figure out what the hell I can drag my fat ass off to do when I'm out of the community college I barely get into. Another thing that goes to my mind.

Too many thoughts are running through my mind, I really hate it a lot. I mean, really really hate it. Like right at this moment I am thinking about school, career, music, art, comic books, swim team, my weight, my friends, the past.

Oh boy, is that last one a dinger. I look back and think that I must have been a moron. I really fucked up my freshman year, in numerous ways. And thinking that I only deserve part of the blame is bullshit. It never makes anyone feel any better. It hasn't made me feel better after more than a year. It hasn't fixed those awful words that go through my mind when I try to sleep. I can't sleep. It sucks. And I know that I'm in one of those annoying moods I get in when I start to feel like the world and my life is way too big to think about. But I do it anyway, because I am bored. It's becoming a cycle, and I'm starting to worry more and more about my mental health. Those personality disorders that get thrown at others start to make sense, and those painkillers are starting to look good. I hate that way of thinking, and I never mean it... I suppose. It's just something I start to think about when I start to really think, you know? Of course you don't, who reads these anyway? Sometimes I think them shrinks might be good, because sometimes I think that if there was something wrong, I could be sure. And then get repaired, somehow. Or just be able to stop listening to these thoughts that come to bother me when I'm bored.

"No matter which way you go, no matter which you stay, you're out of my mind."